Blah!

I'm so tired. I'm done. Our's is not a religion, it is a mind game! I recently started reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" and I got all caught up in it, but I'm now starting to see its universalist bent. I'm sick of catching whiffs of great ideas and finding out that they are boxes of sh**! If God would just tell me what I need to do, or not do, I would do it. I just can't play these stupid f***ing mind games anymore! I can't live my life dangling precariously over the lake of fire. I won't! If some people are going to hell, than why not me? I am a sinner? What is it about me that makes me different from those who are condemned? There is no answer to that question that seems fair. I've searched and knocked for 27 damn years, and that stupid door hasn't openned. I couldn't tell you for sure where I'm going, because its so f***ing vague! Either I know how to be saved (either through Christ or through works) or I don't want any of it! But if you're going to tell me its Christ, then shut up about works. Because, either Christs death paid for it all or it was meaningless because I'm right back in the same blasted place. I know all the pat answers. I know all the Christian cliches. I'm going to read this flaky book and search for bread there, because I have found it among you legalistic freaks! If I'm condemned to hell for loving the least, and showing merci to the wrong, and rejecting the common theology that says only the thologically gifted are heaven bound, and accepting what was offered as a free gift with no strings attached, then so f***ing be it! Its not universalist to want something deeper than you're stupid words.