Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Ich hasse mich! (English version)

I have realized that most of my problems result from the fact that I hate myself. I have always thought that my self-centered introspection was a result of some sort of self love, but I now believe that if I really loved myself the way God loves me, I would be able to focus on people around me. It is ironic that, though I am my primary focus, I do not think myself very important. An example of this phenomenon is my cats name. I named my cat "Digory" after the professor in the Chronicles of Narnia. Its a fine name for a cat, and everybody I know calls him by this name, but I find that I cannot call him by that name, because that name was my idea, my doing. Everything I write, when I go back and read it, looks dismal and dark and couldn't possibly be inspired by God, even though people often tell me I speak like a prophet. I can't be a prophet because I am lowly and miserable and unworthy. I don't often doubt God, but I doubt myself, and that is almost as bad. I now see that self doubt is one of the most selfish attitudes that I have. I doubt my ability to live as Christ and so I don't. I am capable of living a completely sin free life, I just don't. Evil is not defined by an inability to do good, but an unwillingness to do good. Christ didn't die because I am unable to be sinless, he died because I am unwilling, selfish, and hedonistic. I like the taste of pleasure far too much.

If God can love me unto death, than maybe I can love myself just a little.

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